does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
my shit smells like andre
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
