Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
