You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
