Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
