she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Floor bacon is actually really good
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
