eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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