I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
