Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
