"it" just moved
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
