i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
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