part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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