I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
