I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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