he wants to bone in the snuggie
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
