I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
