He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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