I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
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