The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
