she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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