dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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