gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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