woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Never joke about your clitoris.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
