Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
