Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
even my farts smell like vagina
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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