I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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