Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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