im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
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