I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
