I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
