I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
