After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
