Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
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