Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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