Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
