Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
