Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Randomize
