i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
