This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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