What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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