dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize
