My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Randomize
