I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
