Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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