I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Randomize
