i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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