i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
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