remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Randomize
