If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
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