I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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