Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
