The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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