god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
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