he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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