I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
