The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
