mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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